I need someone to come tell me what to do. Just daily I need someone ordering me to do shit I want to do but can’t forcemyself because I’m lazy and useless.
But right now I just need shouted at, or given a little slap.
did you ever become friends with someone so beautiful? and then they started telling you about the douchebags in their lives that did horrible things to them, like cheat and lie. and the only thing running through your mind is “who would ever want to hurt someone like you?”
Hmm, I’m actually going to get to see me brother (and family) for the first time in almost a year in 2 weeks…I’m already nervous about it.
I might not be not ok. I think I’ve been ok for a long time. I mean, I haven’t depressed for a long time, if I ever was. Maybe it was just an excuse to try self harm. Maybe I was just a little sad…sure I still have anxiety a lot, and sleep badly, and think about cutting a lot to the point that I sit with a pocket knife just playing with it, scratching my desk, stabbing my desk, pressing against my arms and hands (but it doesn’t break the skin so it doesn’t count right?) Maybe technically I never properly stopped self harming. It could be a year soon, very soon. If occasionally scratching my arms doesn’t count, cause, I didn’t break the skin, it just made red marks. That’s ok…
I want to go to therapy, I can’t bring myself to have to tell my mum about it. I also know id be shit in therapy. I went to that woman who was a self-harm-specialist-counsellor-thing. She asked why I was there, and I couldn’t answer. I wanted to talk, tell her shit and have her tell me it was fine and I shouldn’t worry, but I really couldn’t tell her, the woman whose job it is to listen, that I just wanted someone to listen. So I saw her twice, 1 hour total. At least it was free, but I want a therapist to tell me what’s wrong and to listen to me talk about everything. There’s so much to say about so much and I can’t tell everyone everything. Her (cause it would have to be a woman, I can’t talk to guys as I’m weird) I could tell, if I could force myself to anyway.
And then suddenly I become sad for no reason, and it takes me days to get over that feeling.
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don’t feel it.
cross out the things you’ve done
Graduated high school. Kissed someone. Collected something really stupid. Smoked a cigarette. Got so drunk you passed out. Rode every ride at an amusement park. Gone to a rock concert. Helped someone. Gone fishing.Watched four movies in one night. Gone long periods of time without sleep. Lied to someone. Snorted cocaine. Failed a class. Smoked weed. Dealt drugs. Been in a car accident. Been in a tornado. Been to a funeral. Burned yourself. Ran a marathon. Cried yourself to sleep. Flown on a plane. Cheated on someone. Been cheated on. Written a 10 page letter. Gone skiing. Been sailing. Lost someone you loved. Shoplifted something. Been to jail. Dangerously close to being in jail. S kipped school. Had detention. Got in trouble for something you didn’t do. Stolen books from the library. Gone to a different country. Dropped out of school. Watched the “Harry Potter” movies. Had an online diary. Had a yard sale. Had a lemonade stand. Actually made money at the lemonade stand. Been in a school play. Been fired from a job. Swam with dolphins.Taken a lie detector test. Voted for someone on a reality TV show. Written poetry. Read more than 20 books a year. Gone to Europe. Loved someone you shouldn’t have. Used a coloring book over age 12. Had surgery. Taken a taxi. Seen the Washington Monument. Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once. Overdosed. Been in a fist fight. Gone surfing in California. Had a hamster/guinea pig. Pet a wild animal. Used a credit card. Did “spirit day” at school. Dyed your hair. Got a tattoo. Got straight A’s. Been on the Honor Roll. Know someone with HIV or AIDS. Made-out with someone. Played on a sports team. Snuck out of the house. Gone laser tagging. Had a romantic relationship. Been on the TV. French braided. Skinny-dipped. Driven a car. Performed in front of an audience. Gone bungee-jumping. Been to Mexico. Crashed a car. Sky dived. Been kissed in the rain. Made an 11:11 wish. Drank alcohol. Forwarded a chain letter. Made a mistake.